Fifty Shades of Grey

Sexy and steamy are just two of the words I won’t be using to describe the latest addition to the do as you are told phenomenon that is ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Hot on the heels of the book that took middle-aged woman by storm in their droves we’re now treated to a live action version curtesy of cradle snatching Sam Taylor- Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich or whatever it is she is calling herself these days. Plucky student Ana is basically bought off by wealthy charisma vacuum Christian Grey, has there ever been a more aptly named character ‘Christian’ & ‘Grey’ though it turns out his kinky sex room is actually red and not as I first suspected beige. So after Ana interviews Mr. Grey for a collage rag it’s down to business of wooing her with an old book and a ride in his helicopter which apparently acts like a very strong aphrodisiac because no sooner is she down on the ground so are her big knickers. It may also be prevalent to point out at this juncture that not only does Ana conveniently work in a hardware store she is also a virgin. For no apparent reason, after several encounters, they decide to have a meeting about a contract in which its stated what pervy pez dispenser Grey can do to Ana before she screams the very imaginative safe word ‘Yellow’ (typical that people whose so called kinky sex is so pedestrian that their safe word is a Coldplay song). Straight away she takes anal fisting off the table and then just as quick vaginal fisting which sadly only leaves use of ice, his fine neck ties and a peacock feather and no sooner than they get started that he swaps his botty spanking hand for a belt and she’s done. But I took you in my plane as well he begs as limp as wet lettuce Ana leaves with a red rump and a single tear. Considering the book started life as Twilight fan fiction this film could have benefited from a couple of shimmering vampires clutching fluffy tickling sticks. With a piss poor script, acting that can barely be called that and perhaps some of the most boring sex ever committed to film ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ can’t even fall into the ‘it’s so bad its good’ cult category. If we have witnessed just a few of the many shades of Mr. Grey than I can only imagine the levels of tedium left still to explore in his others.

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