The Thing

Apparently not a remake but a reimagining ‘The Thing’ is here to smear disrespect on the John Carpenter classic. What was a tense and chilling thriller with horror elements is presented here as a Cloverfield style monster movie, stealing more from Aliens (notably one iconic scene) than the namesake it’s aping. There are a couple of good effects as the none descript clan of bearded Norwegians are dispatched but it’s down to the Ripley-a-like Kate to save the day along with Sam who looks like someone tried to make a human out of Russell Crowe and Kurt Russell and ended up disappointingly with someone looking like neither unless you squint and imagine really hard. But the upmost insult and worst thing about this film is that it patronises the audience, calls us all thickies, tells us we are stupid cinemagoers and that it shouldn’t matter if they just suddenly decide to change their minds halfway through, just go with it and don’t you dare question it you popcorn morons. Spoiler Alert: firstly about a third of the way in and now realising how dangerous the thing is the camp decide to quarantine themselves so as not to potentially infect the world should they be unable to deal with the creature, this involves disabling any form of transport available…that is until the end when they decide they want a little drive out into the tundra, like a slow motion car chase on ice. But that’s not all, to add further insult our shape shifting I can be anything, beast from outer space suddenly forgets this which means plucky Kate can exploit this window of opportunity by crawling down a tunnel that the thing can’t chase her down as its too big! Forget the bit earlier when it was just an arm with some wibbly bits coming out of the end, lost that ability in the last half hour did we? It’s sloppy, lazy and ruined a film that I probably would have been a bit nicer about if only for the bit during the final credits that reminded me how great the original was and still is.

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