So picture the scene, Tarantino and Rodriguez are sat around having a few beers and Robert in his drunken state has a brainwave, ‘Quentin’ he says ‘remember that fake trailer I did between ‘Death Proof’ and ‘Planet Terror’ Machete?’ ‘Of course’ chirps Quentin ‘well I’m going to make it into a full film!’ smiles Robert. Instantly QT’s eyes light up and he switches his brain to random hoping to chip in some crazy ideas. ‘What you got so far?’ Robert pours another drink and smiles ‘well it’s going to have Danny Trejo init of course and I’m thinking loads of guns and over the top action’. ‘Maybe you could get a few other names’ QT necks a shot ‘what about that guy who used to be in Miami Vice? Don Johnson and get Steven Seagal too that would be ace’. More beers flow and Roberts vision becomes more abstract ‘you know QT I’m gonna get that guy who used to be in all those films about smoking spliff and Lindsay Lohan!’ Laughing QT suggests that it should also have nuns with guns, Robert De Niro and even Roberts’s wife, Robert couldn’t agree more, it’s starting to take shape now he thinks. A few more rounds and a few dozen more clichés and the two immature b-movie addled drunkards are ready to put the Machete abortion on to the big screen, oh dear. I can only assume that this is how this movie was formed because if any actual thought went into it then god help us. With such classic moments as Machete refusing to text message ‘Machete don’t text’ he exclaims and then later when feeling an urge to send a text for the first time, and being offered help, declines with the line ‘Machete improvise’. Do you remember the film ‘Commando’ starring Arnie? Well this is basically it with a dash of ‘Once upon a Time in Mexico’ and then rammed full of bad lines and even worse acting. I have no idea how they got this bank rolled and I’m afraid it’s a case of when something was much better as an idea rather than a fully formed waste of everyone’s time.

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