I want to ride my bicycle….

Look at the spokes on that! What an amazing pair of handlebars? Not even the biggest bike enthusiast would utter these words yet it seems that a new term has arrived: ‘cycle-sexualist’. A man has just been charged with having sex with his bike. Even I don’t want to go into the how and why, lets leave that for the therapists, I am more concerned that to me its seems like the man is question has been royally stitched up. A paying guest in a hostel in Scotland, in his room alone with his bike, naked apart from a white t-shirt, the man in the words of the cleaners who found him was ‘moving his hips back and forwards as if to simulate sex with the bike’. Firstly the cleaners in question who after receiving no reply from knocking (well he was busy) let themselves in to his room with a master key and instead of breaking down in fits of uncontrollable laughter reported him to the manager who called the police and had the man carted off. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t believe there’s a law against having sex with inanimate objects in the privacy of your own home/room and if there is well ladies better hide those rampant rabbits for every time you here that excited buzzing around your regions you are breaking the law, you’re a criminal, a happy and fuzzily warm satisfied criminal but a criminal just the same! Secondly, again correct me if I’m wrong, he was seen to be moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex, which unless he has some sort of futuristic sex-bike is all you could do, simulate. How on gods earth would you penetrate a bike? So let’s have a little recap he was not actually having full penetrative sex with his bicycle in the privacy of his room, he is however been sentenced to three years on probation and been put on the sex offender register!! So he’s in good company he touched up a bike they f**k children, the poor bloke, tarred with the same brush as any other depraved paedophile for touching his own bike, its not like it was someone else’s. So ladies I warn you again, next time you cycle down a cobbled street try not to look too excited because you could be accused of cycle-sexing! It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘having a ride’. But using the polices theory that this man was somehow in the wrong may I point out that every 12 year old boy has at some point turned the hoover onto themselves ‘to see what it felt like’ and thus had committed a heinous crime. Maybe that’s how it starts your at home you get out the shower the moisture clinging to your torso the towel round your waist slips the kettle cops an eyeful but it’s the toaster that catches your eye, and from that point it’s a downward spiral to the fridge via the George Foreman, then it on to the leaf blower, the mountain bike and one day you find yourself with your old chap up a bus exhaust, which apparently that is a crime. So stop this now before it’s too late before we all become a nation of deviant’s hell bent on laying as many household appliances as possible. Funny thing is they didn’t release the make of bike involved, I wonder if it was a chopper.

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