Nervous and not knowing.

I’m going to lay my soul bare. I’m nervous. There is a girl I have fallen for and I can’t stop thinking about her. She has even been in my dreams which means I’m having them again, which is good I think. I see her and I don’t necessarily go weak at the knees or skip a heart beat but I think I would if it weren’t for the medication dumbing down my emotions. Instead I just wish she was mine. I wish I could proudly say that she was my girlfriend. But right now she is just someone I know. We exchange glances, smiles and conversations but I have become so out of practice at being able to a) talk to someone I like and b) know if they like me back that I am scared to ask her out. I have burned and been burned before but the last two relationships I had I thought I would be in forever or something like that and that is making me fear rejection. I know I’m being stupid because unless I ask I will never know but what if I’ve got it wrong? What if I’m misreading the signs? Can I handle the knock back? I’m only just bouncing back from the last time my confidence took a blow. In the old days it was easy I would never let myself get so worked up, I would just shrug it off and carry on, but these days I find it harder and harder. What can I do to be sure, is there a way to stop me getting my heart broken? I shouldn’t be this worked up and confused it’s not healthy for me and I’m sure as hell it’s not attractive to others. I just wish I could be certain. I long to hold her in my arms and forget about the world.                           

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