I want to sleep all day.

They say that ‘the early bird catches the worm’ well I’m not a bird nor do I want any worms. But it’s a metaphor, yeah I know, but still there’s nothing I could want that badly that would warrant me being an ‘early bird’. What I want to know is what the late bird gets? Because I have some of that even if it is worms. I don’t resent the idea that the world is full of people with body clocks that are set to different times, there is a place for morning people and a place for night people but I think I’m going to start a campaign for equality between the two. Let me explain and do pay attention doctors, bin men, newsagents and Christians. I work shifts and I work late but if I’m ill I can still only get a doctors appointment at 9am, recently I had to visit the hospital and when the letter came through what time was my appointment, a reasonable 12 noon or upwards? No 9:15am so I got a whole four hours sleep that night. So doctor next time you come to my place of work for a night out (not that you would, because you have to get up early, but if you did) I might be tempted to not let you in. Bin men/women/persons/people/emptiers (delete as appropriate I have no f**king idea what the correct term is anymore) the next time you sing a jolly work song while clattering my bins onto the back of the noisiest truck this side of America at 5am (I like to get a head start) I might just come and do the same to you at 2:30 in the morning with a dirty teddy bear with one leg  and no eyes tied round my waist will a piece of string I found in a tip. Sometimes I work a lot later on a Saturday which means by the time I arise after my lie in and stumble blurry eyed to the shops they have always sold out of my favourite paper, now simple business sense would say to me order more but failing that may the newsagents could have two lots. One lot for those who get up ridiculously early and one for those that don’t. Now Christians what is your problem? Not content with trying to force feed us all that mumbo jumbo you have an increasing annoying tendency to ring your whopping bells every Sunday (of all days) for hours. Why do you need to do this? To remind people? Just in case they had forgotten what day it is? I can just see someone mowing the lawn ‘I’m sure there was something I was supposed to do this morning’ ding dong dong ‘oh yeah that’s right go to church. How can you forget you go every week? Isn’t it mind numbing routine by now? And a word of advice if your doing it to try to recruit new flock may I recommend the internet, f**king big bells are so 16th century.

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