Eurovision of hell.

Well its official, its done, we are being represented as a nation at the Eurovision song contest by ‘Scooch’! Thank god for small mercies that it wasn’t the torturous effort from ‘Hawkin’s and Brown’ the dynamic duo who’s name sounds like a flock wallpaper company known for the ease in which the rolls go on and off the wall with very little effort, she a poor mans Beverley Knight (which is very poor indeed) he the girly haired falsetto coke Dyson dressed like Kenny Everett doing a bad impression of Rod Stewart. But no we have Scooch, you may not remember them from their hit ‘"More Than I Needed To Know" which hit the top spot in January 2000 a point in their career so high that they split up soon after only to reform like cheap fish flavored sticks for ‘Flying the flag (for you)’ our entry into this years competition. Themed around nationalism and with a routine based on in-flight airplane staff its camper than a row of bright pink tents at Mardi Gras. The boys prance around in bright blazers looking ten years older than their actual age and the two dolly birds are wearing so much make-up they not only put actually stewardesses to shame, they must have shares in mayberline and only by cutting through their face and counting the foundation rings would you be able to hazard a guess at just how old they are. So sexuality, union jack drink trolleys, mincing dance routines and Bucks Fizz references aside what about the song? Well it took four people to write and I don’t think anyone would be surprised if I said that it wasn’t the four band members of the ashockolypse but a team of crack expert songwriters. A quick glance at the lyrics and its easy to see the genius that has come together to compose this belter of a song for example the bridge:

Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da Some salted nuts sir? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da’

I have to be honest if any members of scorch offered me some salted nuts my first question would have to be ‘where have they been?’ Secondly the ‘Would you like a complimentary drink with your meal sir?’ line from the first chorus would have me check it over for date rape drugs before it went anywhere near my lips. But none of these amazing lyrics even touch the greatness that is the immortal line from the third chorus of ‘would you like something to suck on for landing sir’ how this can be delivered by anyone with a straight face is beyond me and this song sucks enough for fifty landings and a few dozen takeoffs. I think the most embarrassing thing is that this so called performance will be witnessed in Helsinki by euro-overlords Lordi who after winning last year so triumphantly have to sit through this drivel and resist the temptation to thrust their flaming battle axe microphone stand into the nearest soft Scooch head. Well at least we are consistent by entering another abortion of a tune and therefore can’t be surprised when we receive nil points from any country with taste; unfortunately this is Europe so we’ll probably bloody win it. So as Scooch take to the skies on their Euro flight I can’t help but wonder where is the nearest terrorist hell bent on flying into a building when you need one?

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