I hate this time of year!

Since the day I brought my new belt a few weeks ago I have already had to put three new notches in it. I’m losing weight fast. Then it dawned on me why. I’m not eating. I’m not eating because I have no food in, I have no food in because I’m not shopping and I’m not shopping because it is like Satan’s hell mouth. Its that time of year when everyone goes shopping crazy. I only wanted a loaf of bread and some beans the other day and it took me nearly forty minutes in the supermarket. People are buying things as if they are the last products on the earth and will never see another one ever again. ‘Trust me mate I can categorically say that before you die you will get to see another pork pie’, ‘do you think thirty large ones is too much?’ ‘One large one is too much’,’but what if I have unexpected guests’, ‘what? Then they will just have to un-expect pork pie when they unexpectedly arrive’. Anyway I guarantee there will be a tin of Quality Street the size of a beanbag to dive into. And another thing if people are turning up unexpectedly at your house over the festive period its because they know you have thirty pork pies in, you’re the mug stupid enough to spend all their hard earned money on either feeding people who surprisingly you only ever see unexpectedly at Christmas or on stuff that will either go off or still be there the following year. Your unexpected guests are on a kind of pub crawl going from house to house eating a lovely spread at each and saving all there money for the January sales. Everyone just calm down, it will all be over in a day, this time next month it will all be a distant memory and that is probably the next time I will do any shopping because right now in every shop its like the opening scenes of ‘Saving Private Ryan’ utter unnecessary chaos. Roll on the New Year and a return to semi-civilised shopping.

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