if i’m honest.

So is it too much to ask? To be happy one day with no stress. I think I’ve set an all time record its only 10 days since payday and I’m broke. I’ve 19 days to go until I will get any money. I work for more hours than I’m paid for, the bailiffs are coming and I’m tired all the time. I enter every competition I can to try and win a laptop because writing helps. I wrote my book on a typewriter it didn’t matter because I never left my room, but now I want to write wherever I am and when I need to. I play the lottery and want to win enough to just clear my debts, back to nought and then I can spend what I earn, I don’t mind working. I feel like I’m crawling out of a well but things keep pushing me down all the time, unexpected births, deaths, friends falling apart and other pretending to be together, family feuds and the general stress that life throws your way. I’ve found myself slipping back to where I was six years ago. I’m not sleeping or eating properly and when I’m in bed I don’t want to get out I just want to lye there in the dark in a foetal position. My room is my sanctuary right at the top of the building, high above the streets and with nothing to see out of the window but sky black or blue or grey. I just want be able to walk past a shop and see something I’d like and be able to just buy it, just like that without worrying what I can substitute, if I buy that I can’t buy bread or milk. This month I brought a pair of trousers because I had to, I didn’t have a pair left that didn’t have a hole in. This may sound shallow but I just want my computer at home to work. I know I’m lucky to have one. I was very grateful for the I-pod I was brought for my birthday, it too helps, it can hold 10,000 songs but my computer can only hold 3,000 so I spend too much time agonising over which songs to drop. I want a new pillow, I’ve had the same one for over ten years it’s a sorry sight, all limp and lumpy and stained. The last time I collected my prescription from the doctors she left me a rather stern note because she could see I wasn’t taking my recommended dosage. She thought I was feeling better and cutting down too quick but really I was stretching it out until I could afford to buy the next lot. I’ve stopped cooking because I want to wash, I’m frightened that ill use all the gas up on a meal and there will be no hot water and then ill use up all the electricity boiling the kettle to shave.  All of this is of course second to having someone there who can hold you when it all gets too much, someone who will watch you sleep, check you breathe. But the ultimate is that I know how lucky I am to even have a house and a job etc and I hate myself for being so selfish and undeserving of what I do have. And that just makes me worse.
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